“We’re fine”: the conversation most couples keep putting off

Almost everyone says it. The house is fine. The yard is fine. We’re managing. And right now, that may well be true. Fair enough.

But “fine right now” and “fine in three years” are two different questions. It’s a common story: a couple says “we’re fine” for years, then a fall or a hospital stay forces a rushed move. They weren’t lying to anyone else. They just weren’t looking too closely, because looking closely is uncomfortable.

So this is about looking closely, kindly. Not to talk you into moving. Staying in your own home with the right support is a perfectly good answer. The point is to choose it with your eyes open, instead of drifting along until something makes the choice for you.

In most long partnerships, the work got divided up years ago and nobody wrote it down. One of you cooks. One of you drives, especially at night or on the motorway. One of you does the yard and gets up the ladder. One of you pays the bills and knows the passwords. One of you keeps track of the tablets and the appointments.

It works, which is exactly why nobody talks about it. But it also means each of you is carrying things the other may not know how to do. Have a think about who does what in your house:

• Cooking and shopping: who plans the meals, and who knows what’s in the freezer?
• Driving: who does the long trips, the night driving and the hospital runs?
• The yard and the house: mowing, gutters, the pool, ladder jobs, fixing what breaks.
• Money: the bills, the banking, insurance, super, and where the paperwork lives.
• Medications and health: who orders the scripts and remembers which tablet is which?
• Keeping in touch: who rings the family, remembers birthdays and organises catch-ups?

Here’s where it gets blunt. Say he does all the yard work. If he had a fall or a heart scare tomorrow, who mows the lawn? Who clears the gutters after a storm? Is she going to start climbing ladders at 78?

Now flip it. Say she does all the cooking. If she went into hospital, or passed away, what does he eat? Plenty of capable people have never cooked a proper meal in their lives. Toast and takeaway works for a week. Not for a year.

Asking this isn’t morbid. It’s practical. You insure the car for the same reason, and nobody plans to crash it.

It isn’t only about losing someone, either. Sometimes one partner slowly becomes the carer for the other without anyone deciding it. That can be a heavy load, and it often goes unnoticed until the carer is worn out.

Here’s another thing people don’t notice. Help often arrives quietly. The neighbour started mowing your nature strip “because he was doing his anyway”. Your daughter now does the big shop. Your son drives you to the specialist. Someone comes in to clean once a fortnight. A grandchild changes the smoke alarm batteries.

Each one is small. Add them up and you may find you’re not as self-sufficient as you think. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong. It means your home is partly held up by other people’s time and goodwill, and that can change if the neighbour moves or your daughter’s job changes.

So count it. Write down every bit of help you get now, paid or unpaid, however small.

Time for a bit of “pull your head in”, said kindly. The worst place to decide where you’ll live is a hospital corridor, with a discharge date coming and family on the phone. That’s when choices shrink. You take what’s available, where it’s available, and often someone else does the choosing.

Make the same decision a couple of years earlier, while you’re both well, and it looks very different. You can take your time, compare options, sell when it suits you and settle in properly. You can meet the neighbours and build new routines while you have the energy to enjoy them.

Some options also suit people who are still active. Many retirement villages and land-lease communities are set up for people who can live on their own when they move in. If you wait until you need a lot of care, some of those doors may have closed.

And a choice can be staying put. Organising help at home, making the house safer and sharing out the jobs is a plan too. What matters is that you decide, not the circumstances.

Set aside an hour on an ordinary day, not straight after an argument or a scare. Put the kettle on. Grab a pen and two sheets of paper. Then work through these steps together:

You don’t need to solve everything in one sitting. The aim is simply to see it clearly, together, and agree on one next step.

• Each of you writes down every job you do, around the house and in your life together. Don’t compare yet.
• Swap lists. Tick each job on your partner’s list that you could do tomorrow if you had to. Put a cross next to the ones you couldn’t.
• For every cross, talk it through. Could you learn it? Could family help? Could you pay someone? Or would it be a reason to live somewhere easier?
• Write down all the help you already get from family, friends, neighbours and paid services.
• Each of you finishes this sentence: “In five years, I’d like us to be living…”
• Pick one small thing to do this month. Learn three simple meals. Set up the bills so you can both see them. Call My Aged Care to ask what help is available.

If the exercise turns up some gaps, there are free places to start. My Aged Care (1800 200 422) is the government’s starting point for help at home, from cleaning and gardening to nursing. You can generally ask for an assessment from age 65, or from 50 for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people, and the assessment itself is free.

If one of you is already looking after the other, Carer Gateway (1800 422 737) offers free support for carers, including counselling, coaching and respite.

It’s also worth getting the paperwork in order: up-to-date wills, an enduring power of attorney (and in NSW, an enduring guardian), and an advance care plan. That way, if one of you can’t speak for yourself, the other isn’t left guessing. Advance Care Planning Australia has free information and a helpline on 1300 208 582. A solicitor can help with the legal documents.

This is general information, not advice. For money questions, Services Australia’s Financial Information Service is free, and a licensed financial adviser can help with your own situation.