When one partner needs more care than the other

It often happens slowly. One of you is still driving, gardening and doing the shopping. The other is finding stairs, showering or remembering things harder. Without anyone deciding it, one partner becomes the carer.

Sometimes it’s sudden: a stroke, a fall, a diagnosis of dementia or Parkinson’s. Either way, couples face questions that a single person doesn’t. Can we stay together at home? Can we both move somewhere easier? What if one of us needs more care than the other can give?

There’s no single right answer. What matters is that both partners have a say, for as long as they can, and that the partner who is well doesn’t quietly wear themselves out.

Many couples stay in their own home for years after one partner’s needs grow. It usually goes more smoothly when help comes in before the carer is exhausted, not after.

The door to government-funded help is an assessment through My Aged Care on 1800 200 422. Each partner is assessed separately, on their own needs. Depending on the result, help might come through the Commonwealth Home Support Programme (CHSP) for a little support, or Support at Home for more. Help can include personal care, nursing, cleaning, meals, transport, equipment and home changes such as rails or a level shower.

Since 1 October 2026, personal care under Support at Home has had no contribution, and clinical care such as nursing has none either. Other services, such as cleaning and gardening, usually have a contribution based on your means. There can be a wait for Support at Home funding after approval, so it helps to apply early.

The partner who is well can also be supported directly. Carer Gateway on 1800 422 737 offers counselling, coaching, peer support and help planning respite, free of charge.

• Get both partners assessed, if both need some help
• Ask about equipment and home changes as well as services
• Use help with the heavy jobs, like showering, so the time you spend together isn’t all caring
• Register with Carer Gateway early, not once you’re at breaking point

If you live in a retirement village or a land-lease community, or are thinking of moving to one, care generally works much the same as in a house. Government-funded help through CHSP or Support at Home is delivered in a person’s home, and that can generally include a village unit or a home in a land-lease community. Some villages also offer extra services on site for a fee, such as meals or cleaning. What’s on offer varies by village, so check what yours provides.

A village or land-lease community isn’t aged care. Neither is required to provide nursing or personal care, and staff aren’t usually there to care for residents. Homes are often single level and easier to get around, which can help both partners stay longer, but the care itself still has to be arranged.

If you’re thinking of moving while one partner is still well, it’s worth asking what happens if care needs grow. Check how easy it would be to bring help in, and what the contract says if one of you later moves to an aged care home and the other stays.

Sometimes, even with plenty of help, home stops being safe or possible for the partner who needs more care. Moving into an aged care home is a big step, and it can be one of the hardest decisions a couple makes. It doesn’t mean anyone has failed.

An aged care home is run under the Aged Care Act 2024, a separate law from the ones that cover villages and land-lease communities. The partner moving needs to be assessed and approved through My Aged Care first. Then you find a home with a room available, sign a separate agreement with that home, and pay its fees, which depend on a means assessment. There’s no guaranteed place, and waits for a room vary.

This applies even if your village has an aged care home on the same site or next door. Living in the village doesn’t give anyone a right to a place there. The village contract and its exit terms still apply to your village home, and the aged care home has its own assessment, agreement and fees.

Some couples look for a home that can take both of them, perhaps in a shared room or rooms close together, even if only one needs that level of care. Some homes have shared rooms or can place a couple close together, but it’s up to each home, there’s no right to it, and each partner needs their own approval for care. If both partners move into care, the way each pays for their room can affect the other’s fees. Others decide the well partner stays at home and visits. Both are common, and both are hard in their own way.

If you live in a village or land-lease community and one partner moves into care, what happens to your home there depends on the contract, especially whose names are on it. If the well partner wants to stay, check the contract first, and get free legal help if anything is unclear: in Queensland, Caxton Legal Centre’s Queensland Retirement Village and Park Advice Service (1800 229 866); in NSW, Seniors Rights Service (1800 424 079).

If you have to live apart because one of you is ill or frail, Services Australia may treat you as an “illness separated couple”. In plain terms, this applies when you’re still a couple but can’t live together in your home because of illness, it raises your living costs, and it’s likely to go on indefinitely. Couples where one or both partners live permanently in an aged care home are treated this way, even if they share a room. A respite stay doesn’t make you an illness separated couple, because it’s temporary, but a separate “respite care couple” rule may pay the single rate during respite of 14 days or more in a row.

This recognises that it costs more to run two households. If it applies, each partner may be paid the equivalent of the single rate of pension, which is higher than half the couple rate. Your income and assets are still added together and assessed as a couple, though the limits used are different from those for couples living together. The rates and limits change during the year, so check them on the Services Australia website. Whether you qualify is a question for Services Australia, so tell them as soon as you start living apart.

There are other money questions too. If one partner moves into an aged care home and the other keeps living in the family home, the home isn’t counted as an asset for the pension while the partner lives there. For aged care fees, the home isn’t counted in the means assessment while a “protected person”, such as a partner, lives in it. How the room is paid for, and how a lump-sum payment affects the pension, are worth talking through before decisions are made.

Caring for a partner can be deeply meaningful. It can also be exhausting, lonely and hard on your own health. Many carers stop seeing friends, skip their own doctor’s appointments and lose sleep, and nobody notices until something gives.

Respite gives the carer a break. It can be a few hours of someone coming in, a day program, or a short stay in an aged care home for the partner who needs care. Residential respite needs approval through a My Aged Care assessment. Up to 63 days of subsidised residential respite are available each financial year, and this can be extended, 21 days at a time, if the assessor approves. Approval doesn’t guarantee a place, so booking early, before you’re exhausted, makes it more likely you’ll find one when you need it. Respite at home or at a day centre can come through CHSP or Support at Home.

Carer Gateway on 1800 422 737 can help plan respite, and you can call at any time for emergency respite if you suddenly can’t keep caring, for example because you’re unwell yourself. It’s arranged where a suitable service is available locally. If your partner has dementia, the National Dementia Helpline on 1800 100 500 offers information and support.

It also helps to have the paperwork done while you both can: wills, enduring powers of attorney, and advance care plans. Our guide to powers of attorney and health directives covers how these work in Queensland and NSW.

• Book your own GP check-up, and tell your doctor you’re a carer
• Plan regular respite, even if you feel you don’t need it yet
• Keep at least one thing that’s just for you: a walk, a class, a coffee with a friend
• Have a back-up plan for if you get sick

The money side for couples is more tangled than for a single person, because one partner’s choices affect the other. The Financial Information Service (FIS) at Services Australia is free and can explain how different choices would affect your payments. Call 132 300 and ask for FIS. It gives information, not advice, and for personal advice you may want a licensed financial adviser who knows aged care.

• Would we be an illness separated couple, and what would that mean for our payments?
• If one of us moves into an aged care home, how is the family home treated while the other lives there?
• How would paying for a room by lump sum, daily payment or a mix affect the partner at home?
• If we live in a village, how are the entry payment, and later the exit entitlement, counted for our payments and aged care fees?
• Is either of us eligible for Carer Payment or Carer Allowance?